Married couples. Now, even though I am married, I do not feel that my husband and I fall into the category I am about to "rip on." You know the ones. These couples on Wheel of Fortune who are all like, "I have been happily married, for 32 years, to the love of my life, Howard." Bullshit! Booooolsheeeeeet! No one has been happily married for 32 years. I never tell people I have been happily married for 5 and a half years, because I would be lying, and my mother smacked that dirty habit outta me a LONG time ago! Happily married. Happy, happy, happy. Except for the time your wonderful husband, Howard, slept with the nanny. Bet you weren't too happy then, Gladys ol' gal, were ya? Why do they have to be so freaking phony! I love Wheel of Fortune. I love solving the puzzle before the dipshit from Yale who thinks he's so great because he knows how to talk good. But those assclowns ruin the end for me. There are no happy endings for me when Howard and Gladys come to play.
Then there are those couples who think it's ok to give us normal couples advice. "Well Anna, it's give and take, it's give and take." Great, he can GIVE me his wallet and I will TAKE his credit card to the mall. There's always that woman with the perfect hair, the perfect clothes, the perfect husband, and the oh so well behaved kids who wants to tell me how to remedy my severly dysfunctional family. At dinners out with other couples, all I want to do is drink and NOT have to wipe up boogers and food off of my kids for a few hours, and all they want to do is tag-team my husband and I on who needs to make a greater commitment to our marriage. As I'm texting my best friend about the ugly-ass dress this bitch is trying to pull off, and my husband is using his fork as a toothpick and his knife as a tiny mirror to pluck the remnants of steak from his teeth, all I can think is, "who does this June Cleaver bitch think she is??? So we aren't up each others asses 24/7. So Mike smokes. So I bitch...constantly. It's who we are! It's what we do!"
No, we are not Barbie and Ken. We're more like Dan and Roseanne. We have our ups, we have our downs. We are not always thrilled with each other, but we are both smart enough to know that no one else would have made this long of a commitment to either of us, so we stick with it. We take it day to day, praying that neither of us will wake up to the other putting a pillow over our face, and that's ok...that is ok.
I couldn't agree with you any more. I know a few people like this. All they want to talk about how perfect their lives are. How perfect their husband and kids are. Give me a break no ones that fucking happy. YOUR FOOLING NO ONE. That is all..........
ReplyDeleteExactly! I like to make sure they know how disinterested I am, too, but reapplying lipstick while they yammer on about little Jimmy's 1st place Science Fair ribbon. Unless he invented something to bring the elasticity back into my skin, or to transport me in and out of a bank vault undetected, I really don't care to hear her talk about her perfect kids for 45 minutes!
ReplyDeleteWell said Anna. Having never had a boyfriend or been in a serious relationship it annoys me when my married friends go on and on how wonderful being married is and how perfect it is. My one single mom friend goes on and on about how wonderful her kids are, how they excel at sports, what little angels they are. Her kids are assholes, disrespectful to each other and adults, etc. Quit trying to make your life and kids seem phenomenal. Marriage and kids are hard, if you're committed to it and take it day by day, you're good to go. Nobody's perfect, there is no "ONE" person out there for you. You do the best that you can and enjoy the ride.
ReplyDeleteI love my kids, but at times, they can both be little douche-a-saureses! Before Joey was diagnosed, I had to hear these women give me their whole, "well he should be doing this. My child is already doing this" speech all the time. I wanted to wing my shoe at the back of their heads. I also had some Moral Orel bitch ask me if I felt guilty b/c I couldn't home school my Autistic son...she is a Gladys in training. She tried to get me to join a MOMS group so that my kids and I could make paper mache crap with she and her Bunko buddies...instead, we stayed home and watch Family Guy together, and I let the kids eat construction paper and glue (that's lose enough to arts and crafts, right...)
ReplyDeleteWow it's amazing to me that people can be so offensive and somehow having kids gives them the right to tell other people how to raise their kid. My mom experienced some of that with my older bro whose mentally handicap, he functions at the level of a 7 or 8 yr old. I'm sorry there's such ignorant people in the world who don't understand. What a world we live in.
ReplyDeleteBest part, this hypocritical bimbo is head of a Christian homeschooling group here in the area. She tries to claim her daughter has special needs so she knows what I'm going through. Her daughter is shy and withdrawn because her mother has convinced her that the outside world is a dangerous place with evil, non-Christian public school children who are out to shoot her in the face after giving her pot and getting her pregnant. There's a subtle difference between her situation and mine, I think.
ReplyDeleteThere's quite a big difference btwn hers and yours. Interesting how it's always the religious ones that feel the need to get on their moral high horse about anything and anybody
ReplyDeleteOMG, have you been inside my head Anna?? Someone I know is just like this. She has the perfect husband, the perfect child etc etc She makes excuses for her child's behavior non stop but then acts like her child is perfect. Then she points out the things my kids do wrong. Whatever. Nobody has a perfect marriage or family. We live in a constant state of chaos and dysfunctional-ism. I just want to scream, "YOU ARE NOT FOOLING ANYONE CHICK!!!"
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